I have deleted all my dating apps, hook up apps, all of it.
I’m done, no more.
I have been telling myself I am learning to love myself for the past year now. But it’s not self love for me when I religiously check okcupid every morning. Looking for that glimmer of sexual approval from others on an intimate, personal level, even subconsciously.
It’s not. I had a hook up tonight in place of the other guy. This man wanted something more. I wanted something more. But we were different, so different. And I said no. And I hurt him and I both.
I got so attached so quickly because there wasn’t enough self love in me. Enough solidarity. Stability. I knew we weren’t compatible. We were so different. We barely talked with forced conversations. He found my craft strange and unusual. I found him so beautiful. He found me so beautiful. But he was different. Different hobbies. Different interests. I sensed it, saw it, concluded such for me. And I don’t know. Maybe he wasn’t but it didn’t feel right and I follow my instincts, always, especially when it was that strong.
I knew clearly, that if I said yes, I would be keeping him for his body, for sex. Not love when he would have wanted so. It was a vision almost like a prophecy.
And no more. Tonight was a wake up call. Before it was just hurting me, but I am getting more and more intuitive, and tonight, I hurt him too giving all kinds of weird mixed signals, and he did nothing wrong. I could feel it, how I hurt him.
I will deal with the loneliness. I will deal with the solitude. I will find and nurture and cry enough tears of love into myself for myself if I have to.
But no more.
I will never let my loneliness, my hunger for affection, my yearnings hurt another innocent bystander like that ever again.
I will find another way to nurture myself.
No more. I’m done.
It’s me with me now, until something so right and naturally unfolding comes along, that I am happy and tasting and enjoying every moment of it and so is he.
I didn’t think I could before, but now, I feel brave enough and secure enough to do it. I am doing it. No more hurting, others or myself like this. It isn’t right for me. I can’t just do hook ups, brief encounters. Use and let another use my body like that in hopes I will accidentally bump into love. And that’s all I have gotten even if hook ups can be different for others. And I will not have love work like that for me.
I am done, no more.
I accept that it is hard for the mainstream to love me on such a deep and personal and intimate level.
I am trans* (Genderqueer), and queer, and feminine. And I defy boundaries.
I am a witch after all, and I will make my love enough for myself.